It’s a nice feeling to be submitting to my online journal again. It has been many days and months since I wrote something online talking about my adventures and the life experiences that I am facing while away from my beloved family. Some how I am hoping to find some peace and serenity by writing my thoughts down knowing who ever reads my journal can relate to the feelings and adventures I am living.
Indeed what a tough day I faced today. I really expected to be an exciting day going to work in my new German World War helmet and motorcycle cycle glasses and walking into UNIS Hanoi tackling the adversities the IT department is facing.
It's been almost 4 months since I have come back from Canada entering my new job and living my life in a communist country where cultural relations are a daily visit. Every day has brought something new into my life, into my thinking and into my intellect.
It has not been easy living these last four months, the word "change" and "expectations" has brought fear and attacks on my self-confidence giving me the challenge to make something useful for my life in this academic year. My mind has changed, my thinking of change, my feelings have changed, my expectations have changed, my body has changed, my heart has changed, my attitude has change and the list can go on. I have no idea what is happening to me but I am not the same person I was before I came back to Hanoi in August 2005.
For those who don’t know, I am an IT manager for an International school in Hanoi supervising soon to be four technical people as well as managing and serving various departments on campus including administration. I live my professional life though students, teachers, parents, staff members, management, contractors and even the gate security guards. Everyone know who I am and everyone know exactly what I do and who to call for help when something happens in the field of IT. Indeed a big role on campus and it’s been the most difficult challenging event I ever faced in my life. I no longer work directly under one person but I am working for a group of people providing the support and direction for the school’s IT system. I am living through many expectations and some days it’s overwhelming. Deep inside, this is the smartest and luckiest career decision I ever made in my life. Honestly I never thought I would be an IT manager just 2 years after finishing university.
Personally my life has taken a big hit, masked by the demands of my profession. My social life has come to a near halt wondering if I ever get time to do the things I want to do again. Most of my friends are soo busy with school or working that I don’t know if I ever will see again. I am living in a very Vietnamese community where everyone speaks nearly no English giving me the sense I am truly living in a traditional Vietnamese way of life. I have been away from Canada for almost 2 years where I am used to living in a open culture and people are friendly and free to talk about things of any nature without the fear of judgment or arrested. I am living in a life where people are controlled, monitored, culturally protected and mostly living in a much closed society. The separation of expatriates and the locals are clearly defined in many ways because the country still living in traditional times. My thinking and feelings have changed on how conversations and relationships are made here. The reasoning behind communications for all people has played a dramatic effect on my life and I no longer feel the freedom I once shared and lived in North America. I am constantly living on “edge” with those around me and living with shallow relationships. Conflict is a daily part of life and often consumes the living energy from all parties involved living nothing but resentments and sometimes betrayal. I am not saying this is a bad thing but simply explaining that it is a way of life in Vietnam and I choose to experience this.
I have been in a very close tight relationship with an expatriate woman for about less than one year in Hanoi. We become close friends and eventually grew into something more serious with spending time traveling outside of Vietnam. She has brought enormous amount of joy and happiness into my life because we can relate and share about many things in our lives. The one true thing I appreciated from her is the honesty of our relationship and we can talk about things no matter how bad it seems. Over time, I really thought she was the soul mate who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. When things were good, we can have the best times in our lives and truly enjoy the richness of what life offers.
In September, things have changed. She will be leaving Hanoi for new adventures in North America. Unfortunately for many reasons, I have decided that I will not be going forward in that relationship. Ever since this event has happened between us, I really been feeling the extinction and the kindness I once received from our relationship. The caring and the love have disappeared and the communications are no longer there. There have been many days I have asked myself what did I do to deserve this? What could I have done to make this work out? What did I say? What did I not do? I been repeating asking myself questions to “Why” Have I found forces of life that are out of control and I cannot do anything about it? Questions would lead into confusions, confusions would lead into anxiety, anxiety would lead into depressions, depressions would lead into resentments, resentments would lead into emotional anger and finally emotional anger leads into harm.
Now I look back on this, I really wish that I could go back and interrupt what happened and prevented the damage that I have inflicted on her and myself. On the other hand, should a relationship be a two way street no matter what is happening? No matter how busy or tired you are, would one know how critical it is to maintain communications with your partner? Do you think it’s truly healthy to assume that everything is ok? Silence became an virus infecting as the days progressed.
I never experience such pain and suffering from this breakup. I really felt the feelings of loss since I knew about her decision to leave. It has been a period of darkness with many sleepless nights drenching my pillows with tears. I no longer have the tolerance and trust with those around me and often find myself having expected breakdowns in places I never expect them.
I really truly miss her, love her and care for her like no other. She brought me joy and happiness in my heart and it hurts to watch it float away from me. She wants to be friends but the struggle of moving backwards is painful enough because things are no longer there giving the joy and love I once cherished.
At least I learned something very profound and that is that partner communications is what bounds the laws, bounds the rules, bounds the threads, and most importantly bounds the love in any relationship or marriage.
